See, . . . . I Told You So!

About a year ago, May 5th, I was whining about the price of tobacco going up and how nobody gives a crap because it's "evil" to smoke in the first place. And I suggested that those people WOULD sing a different song if it was something that they enjoyed that was all of a sudden "evil" and they had to pay extra to have it. HA HA!! LOW AND BEHOLD! The "SUGAR TAX"!! Now all you soda suckin junkies get to feel the pain and cry the cry of unfairness because you like soda, and sure it will start out at a reasonably low almost unnoticeable amount that you will pay (ahem.... Just like tobacco tax) and after a few years, you'll find it continuing to climb until that tasty little pop will cost you around five bucks (wait... it's almost there now) let's say ten bucks after a decade of the government digging ever deeper into your pockets while trying to dissuade your use of the evil venomous sugar treat and you will not like it. Point is, if you like it, your going to pay it to drink it, even though it's supposed to be not good for you. So at the end of the day, I guess we all pick our poisons.

The Job Hunt Continues.... But wait, what is this?

So the job search has been going on for months. A daily ritual that has brought about three interviews and one second interview with a company that I am really hoping to get in with. The pay is great, the work is something that I can easily accomplish and there’s hope for bigger and better things if I get in the door. I’m just waiting for the phone to ring. So in the mean time I still look, I’ve seen a lot of jobs advertised that say “Must be Korean” or “Must be Spanish Speaking” and I think, if there was an ad that said “Must Speak English” or "Must be White" I bet there would be an instant law suit. So I keep looking. Today I found the ad that really sparked my imagination. Some poor bastard is really going to apply for it too. This one brought about sound effects with the visions, I could hear electrical shocks accompanying screams, I heard the smash of broken glass and constant yelling, the thump of a body crashing into walls, . . .. . Horrible things, Smack! (back hand across the temporal lobe) WIPE UP THAT BLOOD! (kick in the groin while your down on the floor) Stop bleeding all over the place, get me my coffee you idiot and YOUR NEVER GOING TO BE FIRED! YOUR NOT THAT LUCKY! This job sounds like a torturous abusive environment that only a fool would apply for. And it’s a non-paid internship. What kind of a ……. I have no words.. I pasted the ad below, the names and locations have been X’d out to protect the innocent (me).

________________________________________________________________________________

THANKLESS JOB NEEDS MASOCHISTIC INTERN WITH GOOD ATTITUDE
________________________________________________________________________________
Date: 2010-03-04, 10:16AM PST
Reply to: job-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
________________________________________________________________________________

Exceptionally busy office needs a (very) hard-working masochist to perform menial labor. We are a real estate office, but you will be asked to do things well beyond the scope of real estate. You will not be appreciated. You will be asked to do things well beneath your skill set and paid less than what you're worth. You should expect to cry and break down on a daily basis. Deal with it!!! You will be asked to perform tedious and repetitive tasks and complete them in an unrealistic time frame. Coffee runs and lunch duties are a given! Expect to work well beyond overtime but not get paid overtime! Must be available 24/7! Think Ari on Entourage is a difficult boss and his assistant Lloyd is suffering? Think again! If you have ever seen Ugly Betty, shoot towards being a Marc Saint James type of assistant plus a million! You must always be a hundred steps ahead of the boss! Think you can handle it? Up for a challenge? Then this is the job for you! Email us today to set up an interview! No resume required!!!

• Location: xxxxxx
• Compensation: Experience!!!
• Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
• Please, no phone calls about this job!
• Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

The "Whatever Man"

This guy made my day. Actually he made my week and maybe even my month with his antics. After this happened to me I spent the rest of the day laughing and I had a permanent smile on my face.
So the story is, we're out shopping and when we were leaving I'm getting ready to make a left out onto the side street from the parking lot. I stop and look, nobody coming from the left..... and to the right is a SUV coming down the hill at about 60+ mph (average speed for a residential neighborhood in LA)so I figure he must be going down to the light at the intersection which was to my left, same way I was going. So, I look left again, still no body coming, in my mind I figured that by now the SUV on my right should be about passing me so as I looked right again and started to creep out a little, in anticipation of his passing, to my surprise he's flying into the driveway right in front of me, nearly on two wheels barreling into the parking lot. In my surprise I said "What No Turn Signal?" and as he passed us into the parking lot he hangs out his window with one hand in the air, his truck going airborne off the driveway bump and says "Whatever Man!" .. as his head and arm bobbed back & forth from the jump he looked like a rodeo bull rider .... needless to say I couldn't respond, I was a gasp. What kind of response do you come back with, when your presented with the infamous "Whatever Man" from a flying lunatic jumping his truck at 60 mph on two wheels hanging out his window? Logically, there is none. So actually it was a great day and even a great week after that. I've found that if there's anything to just give any situation a resolution, just give it a Whatever Man! and move on with your day with a smile.

The New "Move Over Law"

Well folks there's a new law on the books that can get you a hefty fine for not moving over to the left if you approach an emergency vehicle, and if you can't move over, then you slow down to 20 mph below the posted speed limit. Gee what happens if your in a 15 mph zone? Do I back up at 5 mph? Or if I'm in a 5 mph zone do I back up at 15 mph? I didn't think too much math was ever required for driving until now. Is the required speed exponential? Say I'm driving in a 5 mph zone I see a cop up ahead, I proceed to go backwards at 15 mph, I see another cop coming up behind me so then do I proceed forward again at 5 mph? I think then I would end up getting a ticket for not going 15 mph backwards. Perhaps I should abandon my car and walk. But do I walk on the left side or the right side and how fast must I walk? What if I'm in a hurry now because I've been going forwards and backwards all morning and now I must run to keep my appointment? Perhaps I need to stay in bed. I'm tired from all the running anyway.

Week - Who knows, I've lost track of time

So I've found myself trapped in the midst of a huge cement jungle, fraught with danger, freaks, fruits and nuts. The mutants lurk at every turn, all of them trying to kill me in their desperate fight to be first in line. I sit quietly on the balcony, watching the mutants below, observing their behavior. If I can just figure out what makes them tick, it will help me to survive. But they are so inconsistent, so unpredictable, it's as though they just go bumping down the road of life like a rubber ball. No direction, no self discipline and worst of all, no conscience.

Week 11

Mikey’s Magical Pancake Sauce

This little gem was just invented by me when I made the most beautiful stack of Hodgeson’s Mill 100% whole wheat (1-1/2 cups), and added Hodgeson’s Mill buckwheat (1/2 cup) mixed pancakes and discovered that there was no maple syrup. So I thought, what do we put on pancakes anyway….. butter…. and sugar. So here it is, “Mikey’s Magical Pancake Sauce”.

For this you will need:

2 sticks of butter
1 cup of brown sugar
½ teaspoon cinnamon
¼ teaspoon almond extract
a few sprinkles of nutmeg


I find it might be good to have a pre-programmed speed dial for 911 prior to consumption just in case your left arm goes numb, or auntie suddenly flops onto the floor clutching her chest with a big smile and big bugged out eyes, but not because it’s sooooo good tasting.

In a small sauce pan, over medium low heat, melt the butter. It should never get to the point of bubbling throughout this whole process, just warm enough to melt the ingredients together, that’s it.
When the butter is all liquid, dump in the brown sugar and stir …… mmmmmmm… good times.
Sprinkle in the cinnamon and nutmeg, stir that in too.
Drip in the ¼ teaspoon of Almond Extract, stir it now, that’s it…. Oh yea,
Reduce heat to the lowest setting, and stir occasionally until serving time.
Transfer into a gravy boat if you want, or bring the whole pot to the table with a small ladle.

Dump generously over pancakes and enjoy. Use caution and rest a minute if you feel any little sharp pains in your chest, or any numbness or tingling in your left arm, face, lips, etc. If you survive, be satisfied that you did it once, and never do it again unless you are young, and can handle it.

Week 7

OK, so I've been investigating the "E Cigarette" the guy in the smoke shop down around the corner has the "fifty-one", it's $150.00 and you get (2) batteries, (2) cartridges, and a wall charger. The refills come in a 5 pack, each cartridge is equivalent to 2 packs of regular cigs, for $15. That's cheaper than the patches, and waaaaaay cheaper than real cigarettes. I tried it, you get a warm hit of steam or "vapor" as they call it, and I've decided that this may be the way to go.

Check it out: http://smoke51.com/index.php

Remember, as I said on the first day, I like to smoke, this was never about my choosing to quit. It's about being financially FORCED to quit by dumb ass politicians that want to balance the budget on my back because I enjoy something. If you are a "gum chewer" (disgusting habit, quit spitting it out on the ground I'm tired of stepping in it!) and the government decided to double the price to help pay for some sorry bastard to go out and scrape the sidewalks, believe me you'd be looking for an alternative way to enjoy chewing your gum.

Here's the AP story on it (only they got it wrong on the price thing, it's cheaper, not more expensive than traditional cigarettes)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIUWXwIfyFc&NR=1

Week 6

I awoke in a cold sweat, feeling a bit sore and irritated by the bunching of the wrinkles in the sheet under me. I clawed at the sheet trying to pull it straight and flat under me. Pulling the sheet and flopping like a fish out of water, into the air simultaneously over and over, then I realized that I was not propelling myself into the air. My body was more reactionary in it’s movements. Was I convulsing because I was having a seizure? Is this it, I didn't quit soon enough? was I being resuscitated,
I NEED A CRASH CART NOW!! CHARGING....CLEAR! ... BUMP!.... eeeeeeeeee..... CLEAR!.. BUMP!!... eeeeeee... CLEEEAARRRR! BUMP... eeeeee. Or was someone shaking me to wake me up? ... Wait, no...not at all. The reality is, I looked down and found that I was lying in the middle of the freeway! I was flopping around because the cars and trucks were running me over, worse yet they were trying to hit me, …… for points! The drivers all chuckled and verbally enhanced the blows reciting the sound effects from Batman. WHAM! …. POW! ….. ZOINK! ….. then they laughed big hearty chuckles after successfully scoring. Each vehicle had an illuminated digital readout that hovered above it. I saw the numbers increase after running me over, 50 points! Bango flop, flop, flop, Bang zing! Flop, flop, then I actually woke up on the floor. I had fallen out of bed, and found that I was chewing on one of my shoelaces under the bed. I thought it was a real skinny cigarette, but no such luck. I spit it out thinking about all the restroom floors I’ve walked on….

Week 5

End of week 5.....I'm getting desparate.... I think I need to shave my head again to make room...... I just,....can't,... reach any more hairless spots on my upper body as directed by the instructions......UMPH!~... I think I just put my back out, and I'm positive that only kids under 5 can contort themselves like this....somebody please call 911.

Day 28

Here we are, Day 28. Four weeks, I'm on the last patch of the second box today. I need to get more patches. I still get cravings, this voice in my head starts going "I just want a frinkin smoke aah-ite!?" and overwhelming anxiety rushes through me because I'm disturbed that my inner voice has such poor grammar, like a hood from the Bronx,.... no matter..... but then after a little bit the feeling subsides, right around the time that I find two piles of sawdust right below each arm of the chair I'm sitting in..... I've got splinters deeply embedded under my fingernails.

Day 15, 16, 17, 18

Oh my, I am exhausted.... I've been chased around the entire town, all week, by that fricken freaky ass floating bird in a sphere... type...... thing.... shit. Well, as I went screaming around through the town, I noticed a nice crowbar laying on the ground, so in one foul swoop, (or is it fowl swoop) hehehehe, I leaped into a rolling summer sault, while simultaneously grabbing the crowbar, twisted around and landed backwards just right so as to be ready to knock that damn bird right out of the park... It was all very Mission Impossible like. Even I'm impressed.... So here's the picture of the results. I call it "aftermath". I'm noticing that if I'm spending a lot of time doing graphics, I'm not thinking about smoking.

Day 14

YAaaaAAAyyYy!! Day 14, Day 14!!! I know this to be true because the box of patches is now empty......wait .... empty....EMPTY??!! AAAAHHHhhgrrgh... Yes Folks that box is empty so,.... what,......NOW!??! Well, I could... stand on my head in the corner and gargle peanut butter until my eyes bleed.... OR ... I could start eating snails out of the back yard ONLY after taking the precaution of licking them first... OR ... Join the Circus!!... Gee I dunno, all those choices seem so good.... Not to worry folks, I have another box. I won't have to entertain any of those scenarios for another 14 days.

Day 13

This morning I decided to go out for a walk, I saw the strangest blue orb with a bird inside.... floating near me..... it was following me.... I began to scream and run from it... it was hideous....that freakish white bird!! AAaaahhh!!!

Dayz 11, 12

I have spent the last two days working vigorously on my final for html class. I'm pleased to announce that I've finished. It will only be hosted for about two weeks and they clear out the server to make way for the next semester, so go see it while you have a chance.
http://power.arc.losrios.edu/~meservem/cisw300/albertindex.html

Also check out this fabulous questionnaire I had to make, I had to tweek it a little, the original version just wasn't.....original enough.
http://power.arc.losrios.edu/~meservem/cisw300/form.html

So, now on to day 13's events.

Day 10

The packaging also tells of strange dreams as a possible side affect, I’ve also read about this on the internet. What they don’t tell you is the real scary stuff that you may dream. I woke up about every 2 hours last night in a cold sweat, startled by a horrifying image, it was terrifying, ……. It’s body was green and had scales…..it had orange eyes…… gelatinous goop dripped from it’s mouth as it tore flesh from it’s victims carcass…… it thrashed about in the bushes, it hissed and popped, it…..it…..it was Albert eating a worm.

Day 9

It is slowly becoming apparent to me why they have you do step 1 for a week (7 patches), then do step 2 for 6 weeks (42 patches) then do step 3 for 8 weeks (56 patches), that's a total of 105 patches! Each of which are 1-3/4" square which comes to 183.75 x 2 is 367-1/2" square. Yes, it would take 367-1/2" square inches of your body covered in these patches to successfully complete the program. The package plainly states that the patch is to be applied only to the upper body, and to an area that does not have hair. So, I am now at day 9 and it is already getting tricky trying to find an open area of skin (that I can reach) to apply another patch. Also the directions do not say what to do if one falls off, I guess you just stick another one in it's place, like the tiles on the shuttle. I will need some help getting the patches on new areas as this goes on. I'm not elastic man.

Day 8

OK, so I made it to day 8, I've gained about 30 lbs from snacking, I drink about 5 gallons of water a day, and I'm having weird dreams as a side effect from the patch. All in all, I think I can actually do this.

Day 7

It seems that I've lost a day. The time portal was a disappointment, it lead me right onto the walkway in the front yard, and all the people there seemed really angry that I had gone through the portal......they kept yelling...what do you think you're doing? and why did you do that?....I went back through the portal but it did not work, I'm still in this time.....and now there's a hole under the sink leading to the front yard. Very confusing.....I'm struggling to get the tomato can off my head, I'm completely wrapped in duct tape, and I need to relieve myself. ...... Help....

Day 5

I have completed the suit made from duct tape and tissue, not having any buttons or zippers readily available, I have taped myself into the suit. . . . . . . . I’m all out of the preferred tin foil, so I have fashioned a helmet from a 1 gallon tomato can, and I was lucky to find an old pair of aviators goggles in the attic. I am now ready to pass through the time portal….. wish me luck.

Day 4

I have discovered that "Nicotea" (patent pending) is the best way to extract all residual usefulness from the patches, and also helps with the dilemma that they suggest you also not have coffee when trying to quit. I am also experimenting with flat tires….

Day 3

I have discovered that a time portal exists in the dark recesses below the kitchen sink..... something still blocks my passage through it..... I'll try drinking another 1/2 gallon of vinegar to see if that helps me slip into the other dimension.... need more duct tape and tissue..

Day 2

I've just eaten the Energy Star Compliant sticker off of the water heater...... and I can't get these damned patches to stay lit!... I just found my old tennis shoes from high school... I'm going to grind them up in the hopes that there's some residual nicotine stuck in the treads... wish me luck.

Quitting Smoking – The CigSaga Chronicles

Day 1

Hello,

This is a subject that I think most people just don't care about because smoking is considered just an evil thing to do, it smells offensive and it has no purpose other than shortening the life of the user... yada yada fill in the blank,.... I Know, I've heard it, please don't e-mail me, I know... I've heard it, yep, yep, I know, please stop, I've heard it before.
I have been addicted to nicotine since I was about 12 or 13 yrs old. And obviously it has stunted my growth as promised by so many people in my life. Anyway I actually enjoy smoking. It is something that I have enjoyed most of my life. The only time I do not enjoy it is when a non-smoker hassles me about it, or if I am making someone else uncomfortable from my smoke. I usually go out of my way to stay clear of the non smokers whilst I partake of my own indulgence. As stupid as it is, some may get their enjoyment from a candy bar, or glass of orange juice.

As you may or may not know, Obama increased the tax on tobacco at a rate of 150% nation wide, and the state of California simultaneously added another dollar or two to the price of every pack. So it is now cheaper to quit than it is to smoke. You may remember that Obama is also a smoker, so what sense is it that he'd support raising the price of tobacco so much, well folks that's because he's not paying for it, you are with you're taxes. No matter how you slice it, it goes from our pockets, to the government, to pay the politicians, who go out and puff it up. I have struggled with trying to quit several times over the years. Lots of times the deciding factor was that I couldn't afford the smoking cessation products. It was just plain ridiculous. I've always thought that if it was so important to quit, then why the hell do they make you pay double to do it? Because Tobacco is a big cash crop for the government. And the wonderful thing is, it's like heroin, people can't just stop once they've started, and to make sure, the tobacco gets treated and soaked in nicotine to ensure that every smoker gets a good dose.

So today is Day One, I am being economically forced to quit, I cannot afford tobacco anymore. I've got the patch, from WALmart, the generic brand, only $21.00 for two weeks supply. I figure that I better get it while the gettin's good, because if they catch on to what I'm up to, they'll most likely raise the price of the patch!

There is also another message here. Today it's OK because those evil smokers are the one's getting to pay the extra taxes. But I wonder what would happen if it was something that YOU enjoy. What then? Maybe there will be a cheeseburger tax. Those fat drenched grease laiden bacon burgers aren't good for anybody, but they sure are addicting!! How about we get to pay $30.00 for a cheeseburger. Is that fair? I don't care, I'm a vegetarian you quickly say, inadvertently in time with Ms. Pelosi.........
Aaaah Good, how about $20.00 for those french fries then and $15.00 for that shake!